Saved by House Plants

I have a confession to make; I am addicted to house plants.

What does this mean, you ask? It means that every time I go to Walmart or other similar plant-selling store, I pick up at least one new plant. I currently have 9 house plants. How did I even find room for nine house plants? I bought a stand, so that helps.

The question is, why? Why do I feel the need to buy another plant? I think what it boils down to is that I’ve noticed a calm, peaceful feeling linked to them. When I sit in the living room and look at the window ledge full of happy green things, I feel at ease. I think of pleasant things.

Now that I’ve realized it and admitted my urges, I can control it, but should I? Why not get more plants? They’re cheap and easy to care for, and they help make my day brighter. I think I’ll continue to buy plants, so long as I have enough sunlight for them. Eventually, when every available area is taken, I shall stop buying plants. For now, though, I think I’ll continue to grow my jungle and swim in the calm green waters of bliss it provides.

-Kelly

Waking with the Sun

This morning, I awoke abruptly, saw how beautiful the sunrise was, and ran outside to take a picture. I’m feeling very inspired today. I want to be passionate about something again. I just don’t know what. I really should just try to be inspired by my work in design. Just yesterday, I was irritated, unhappy, and bored. Today, life feels great. I feel like things are only beginning, like I can do anything. I feel smart and bold. I’d better do something useful with this positive energy, because I don’t know how long it will last.

Delicate, but not Subtle

Today, my hair has been lightly caressing my bare arms, reminding me ever so gently that I am alone. There is no one to hold me tonight, nor will there be for some time. This delicate reminder has caused me to become introverted today, silent and withdrawn. I have been neglecting my sexuality as of late, holding desires in, ignoring my spirit’s hunger to feel another in the most intimate of ways. I’ve realized that I’ve been doing so for some time now. I’m not sure when this started or why, but I do know that it needs to stop. My social awareness of others’ opinions has certainly been a culprit; people are judgmental of my beliefs, as they are of any beliefs which are not their own. But lately, my yearning has been hard to ignore, and realizing the basis of my foolish attempts to do so, I’ve been allowing the resurfacing of this side of me which has been forced to dormancy. Unfortunately, this causes me to realize the fact of the matter, which is as I’ve stated; I am alone. Do I seek another individual for my spiritual healing, or wait and hope for a healer to appear?

This is what I’ve been asking myself for several days now. I’m ready to love again, in many ways, but I have yet to find a willing (and more importantly, worthy) partner. I feel the need within me to find not just a physical solution to this problem, but a spiritual one as well. I cannot and will not allow myself to feel shame in the presence of one who does not appreciate or understand what I offer them, yet that seems to be the case so often these days. Hateful, disgusting words like “slut” are thrown around so easily in our society, meant to debase women and destroy confidence in the face of healthy sexuality. I have felt so empty and lost among my peers. Is there no one in this place who believes as I do in the beauty and rightfulness of physical intimacy, regardless of title or future prospects? Sometimes, I get so frustrated in this Puritanical nightmare of hate and judgment, false righteousness and ego, hypocrisy and denial, that I want to disappear entirely.

I often wonder how so many people live with such repression, forcing down the most basic, instinctual feelings for so long. To live one’s life thinking one’s own thoughts and desires are debased and wrong…I can’t imagine it. Intimacy inspires personal growth. It allows humans to gain empathy for one another in ways no other experience can give. The body is the vessel for that which makes us human, and it deserves as much love and respect as any other aspect of ourselves.

It is time to remember who I am and what I believe in. I believe in love, all forms of it, expressed in any and all ways. I believe in balance: mind, body and soul. I believe in truth and the pursuit of knowledge. I desire to live a life in which I can accomplish all of these things, and I will let nothing stand in my way.

The Turnaround

And then suddenly, I was happy.

Maybe the antibiotics are helping. Maybe a visit from my cousin improved my mood. Maybe it was Super Troopers. Or perhaps it was my vivid dream of the woods in summer, lying in the grass in a field, looking at the sky.

Whatever the cause, today I’m feeling fresh and happy. Which is good, because I have a ton of cleaning to do before my roommates come back for the semester tomorrow.

Note: It’s sunny today. It was snowing yesterday. Perhaps it’s weather-related.

All Choked Up

Today, I slept in until 1:00pm, then went to a doctor’s appointment for a sinus infection. Picked up some antibiotics and came home. I decided to watch the last bits of Lord of the Rings: Two Towers. Now, before you start getting all excited, let me preface by saying that I am not at all a fan of Lord of the Rings. WHAT?! What’s that, she says? Not a fan of LotR?! But…she’s a geek! She HAS to love it!

Wrong.

And I won’t go into the gritty details of exactly why I’m not big on the movies, but it has nothing to do with the books, since I’ve never read them, and it has nothing to do with the actors, who all seem pretty capable, except one or two here and there.

No, I don’t like the Lord of the Rings series. One day, I’ll tell you why, but that day isn’t today. So why was I watching it? Because I keep thinking that the more I see them, maybe I’ll end up liking them. So far, this theory has taken me nowhere.

I’m not one to cry at movies, not unless I’m truly moved. However, there are days when even the slightest emotional provocation will send me into fits of tears. Once, it was during Disney’s 101 Dalmations. And not even the live-action, but the cartoon. Lucky was lost in the snow, the music was rolling, and I just couldn’t help myself.

It happened again today. I was watching Two Towers, and not once, not twice, but three times I had to hold back a wave of grief. They weren’t even exceptionally moving moments, and yet, there I was, an inch from sobs.

I think my body is telling me that it’s time to get emo. I need to watch a really sad movie and just cry my eyes out until it’s over. I think this is the solution to yesterday’s problem.

Dumb Stuff is Inspiring

It’s amazing how one stupid, poorly-written song can totally change my attitude about something. My mind makes connections, I bop to the beat, and suddenly I’m happy again. The song “Gypsy” by Shakira did it to me last night. There I was, moping about, when I saw this on YouTube and decided to watch. Even though the lyrics are simple and somewhat cheesy, for some reason it just really spoke to me, specifically “Hey you, you’re no fool if you say no. Ain’t that just the way life goes? People fear what they don’t know”.

Why? Well, I suppose the entire song does relate in small ways to my own life. I’ve always been on the road, lived a spontaneous life up until I chose to go back to school. College has been like a vice on my soul. Most people have the best moments of their life in school. Not me. I feel trapped, confined to this monotonous way of life, and every time I think about the debt I’ll be paying right out of college, I want to scream. What was I thinking? This life is not for me. I’m a gypsy. I need to be free.

Back to the quote, though. It’s hard for people to stick with me. If they say no to what I have to offer, I shouldn’t feel unwanted. I should understand that most people just don’t like change as I do. They can’t handle straying from their routines. I avoid routines like the plague.

I suppose the moral of this story is that inspiration comes from yourself, no matter what may have sparked it. Maybe you’re enlightened by Ke$ha. I won’t judge you for it.

Almost Emotion

Today has been uneventful, or so that’s how I feel about it. In reality, I’ve done something I haven’t done in quite a while; I created something new. I haven’t done that in over a month. I haven’t been inspired to create in over a month. The creation of this blog does two things for me. It leads me to believe that I can, once again, get into the blogging world and enjoy it, and it makes me feel like I might be ready to create more this semester, and do good work.

These should give me positive feelings, yet for some reason, there’s a dam. I can’t seem to feel anything right now, except a little twinge every now and then in my chest. I know it’s emotion trying to escape. I’m not sure which emotion it is, but it’s there, nonetheless. Maybe I made this blog to knock it loose. It doesn’t seem to be working.

This empty, bland feeling is typical. It happens to me a lot. Usually when I’m feeling this way I like to play some video games and go to sleep early. I’m wondering if this emotional dam wasn’t caused by the welling up of emotions yesterday. I had a bit of a breakdown, made some possibly poor decisions, and cried a little. It felt good to cry. I wanted to keep crying, but I stopped short of satisfaction. I’m not sure why.

Perhaps today is a result of that little outburst yesterday, or perhaps it’s the other way around, and this dam has been up for a long time. If that’s the case, yesterday it wasn’t quite strong enough to hold everything back, but it held up alright.

Regardless, now that the site has been made and the photos updated and each site has been linked, I have no idea what to do with myself. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to watch anything, I don’t feel like searching the ‘net, and I’m not really looking for company. What else is there? I think I will lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while. Hopefully, I’ll get tired and fall asleep.

New Beginnings

I always enjoy starting something new. I may not ever do anything with it, because I hate middles, but beginnings…

I can do that.

What is this blog? I don’t know. It will probably change drastically and often, like me. Right now, I intend for it to be a record of my thoughts in an attempt to better understand myself and the introduction to my recent diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Things may get a little crazy. I may be a little crazy. Let’s face it; everyone’s a little crazy.

I’m a Graphic Designer, currently attending my fourth year at the Edinboro University of Pennsylvania. I enjoy it very much, although most of the time, I am still discontent. Secretly, I long for adventure. I often feel I was born in the wrong place at the wrong time. This may be part of why I love the fantasy genre: books, games…if it’s fantasy, I’m in. I’m also a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, and have attended Pennsic War twice now. It is a tradition I hope to continue for the rest of my life. I include Science Fiction in the fantasy genre. I grew up on Star Trek and will always feel good about that upbringing. It’s these interests that have shaped my life the most, as sad as some people may think it to be. I am a proud geek, though, and nothing anyone says can change that fact.

I believe that to be a solid introduction for now, though this is certainly still just the beginning.

<3 Kelly